


She

by shadowsamurai



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Angst, Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-23
Updated: 2012-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 09:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsamurai/pseuds/shadowsamurai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even at the end of his life, there is just one person on his mind. And it wasn't who he thought it would be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	She

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up to S3, Eps 21 & 22, 'Shadow Dancing' & 'Z'ha'dum'. I know Elvis Costello didn't do the original, but his version is just so amazing, so…all lyrics belong to Elvis Costello. Some may find it a little OOC.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm just borrowing things for a while and I promise I'll put everything back exactly how I found it when I've finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it. ;)

 

B5-B5-B5-B5-B5-B5

I wouldn't say it was the first decent night's sleep I'd had since Anna died, but there was something oddly comforting, and kinda relaxing, about knowing she was watching me. I slept better than I had done for a while, that's for sure. Or at least I did until the peacefulness of the night was shattered, literally.

*She may be the face I can't forget  
The trace of pleasure or regret  
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay*

I was shell-shocked, gob-smacked, and totally unprepared for Anna walking into my quarters. Delenn being there didn't really help matters either, but from the moment my wife reappeared, I had little time to think. It was clear to me something important was about to happen, and the enemy either needed my cooperation or my death pretty damn quick.

*She may be the song that summer sings  
May be the chill that autumn brings  
May be a hundred different things  
Within the measure of a day*

I thought getting over Anna's death was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, and up to that point, it was. But then something else took its place, and that, more than anything, confirmed what I felt. I'd already made my decision before I received Franklin's news about Anna, about the fact she'd been plugged into one of those Shadow vessels. He wasn't one hundred percent sure about it, but he was ninety nine point nine percent positive. That was good enough for me. I knew as soon as she walked into the room she wasn't Anna; as soon as I laid eyes on her again, I knew her face would be the last thing I'd see before I died.

So, decision made, I went to confront Delenn. The anger that came out during our argument was partly real, but for the most part, I had to act it out. I had to pretend she was a completely different person, and then when she told me she loved me, just before I left, I had to force myself to carry on through the door. I didn't want to. I wanted to turn around, tell her I knew she loved me, and that I loved her back, but I couldn't. I knew what had to be done and I was the only one who could do it.

*She may be the beauty or the beast  
May be the famine or the feast  
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell*

Now I'm on the *White Star*, winging my way to certain annihilation, and all I can think about is Delenn. I'm trying to work out exactly when I started to fall for her, when I started to care so damn much, and each point I get to, another memory takes me one step further backwards. I'm thinking it was when we went to our first dinner, and she wore *that* black dress. I will *never* forget that. But then I think when I first saw her, not long after I'd arrived on the station, not long after she'd come out of her cocoon…that was the moment something woke up inside me, something I thought had died with Anna. Of course I didn't know it at the time, and romantic feelings or thoughts of any kind never even entered my head, but now, looking back on it, that was the point it all started for me.

*She may be the mirror of my dreams  
A smile reflected in a stream  
She may not be what she may seem  
Inside her shell….*

I hate Z'ha'dum. I know it's only a planet, but the sense of foreboding is oppressive, almost completely overwhelming. I'm listening to Justin and Morden, and even Anna, try to justify the reasons for declaring war left, right and centre, and the only thing on my mind is Delenn. She'll have received my message by now, and I can pretty much guess her reaction to every part of it. It's like I know her so well, without even trying, and the same can be said of her with me. Whenever she says my name, there's so much feeling in that one word, and her eyes….

*She, who always seems so happy in a crowd  
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud  
No one's allowed to see them when they cry  
She may be the love that cannot hope to last  
May come to leap from shadows of the past  
That I remember 'til the day I die*

It's time to spring the trap. I hear the door to the room opening and in steps one of the Shadow creatures. The very presence of the damn thing makes my skin crawl and I think that 'evil' has just been redefined. No doubt Delenn would say they are not evil, simply misunderstood, and that may be the case. But right now I don't have time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with it. It's either it or me, and I know which one I'd rather it be. I can hear Justin shouting, and Anna's trying to get me to be reasonable. I don't know where Morden is, the smug bastard, but I hope he's dead. I knew, I just *knew*, there was something about that guy.

*She may be the reason I survive  
The why and wherefore I'm alive  
The one I care for through the rough and ready years*

I'm holding onto the thought of Delenn laughing, of finishing what we started before Anna walked in. I want to know she'll stay, not just for three nights, but forever. I want to know that the future I saw won't happen, but that we'll still have a son, named after my dad. I want to be able to kiss her again, to hold her in my arms. I want to tell her I love her to her face, and watch her expression change when I do it. I love Delenn's face; she doesn't need to use words, because everything she wants to say is written in her expression, in every little smile or frown.

I'm covered in blood and soot, and I stink of smoke. Somehow we managed to start a fire while we were fighting, and I don't even remember how I got outside. I'm staggering, I'm in pain, but I've gotta keep going. Then the corridor opens out to a small balcony, and I realise I'm trapped. But the sight before me is enough to quench the panic, at least for a moment. When Anna said the Shadows had moved their base of operations underground, I didn't expect what was in front of me. If they weren't stopped now, we wouldn't stand a chance in hell if they attacked.

"John, come back inside."

The voice is Anna's, the face is hers, and no doubt the body under the clothes is the same as well, but it isn't her. She's walking towards me, her hips swaying, but it just didn't do anything for me. Once over she could make me weak at the knees just by walking, or even looking. But now…now all I can see is Delenn, and it's not just because I know the woman in front of me isn't Anna. It's because I love Delenn, and the part that scares me the most is that I think I love her more than I loved my wife. The worst part, of course, is that I'll never have the chance to find out.

*Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears  
And make them all my souvenirs  
For where she goes I've got to be*

I hear Kosh's voice telling me to jump, but I can't. I don't *want* to die, but I know it's the only way. *'Now!'* he tells me. I don't understand how he's still here when he's supposed to be dead, but I'll think about it some other time. I turn resolutely from the woman wearing my wife's face and look down into the abyss. Then, without further hesitation, I jump. Above me, I hear Anna scream, but drowning out that sound is something else: my own voice.

*The meaning of my life is*

"Delenn!"

*She*

FIN


End file.
